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Sunday, September 3, 2006

English-Winglish Dictionary

English-Winglish Dictionary

Posted by Mark Kleiman

The wingnuts now running this country, and their journalistic supporters, speak a language all their own: not exactly Orwell’s Newspeak, but a closely related tongue. In Winglish, “voter fraud” means “minority turnout,” “Republican” means “monarchist,” and a “patriot” is someone who salutes the flag and despises the Constitution. You’ll be able to make sense of their nonsense with the aid of the Winglish-English Dictionary.

To make sense contemporary political speeches and punditry, it has become necessary to understand Winglish, the language spoken by the wing-nuts now running the country and by their journalistic supporters. For some time now, a cooperative process has been producing a Winglish-English Dictionary. Below is the current compilation. Contributions and illustrations solicited.

alternative energy sources /n. phr./ 1. New locations to drill for gas and oil. 2. Coal mines.

bankruptcy /n./ A means of escaping debt available to corporations but not to poor people.

bipartisan /n./ Favorable to Republicans, but involving Democrats. (See also “partisan,” “nonpartisan.”)

burning bush The President of the United States after being asked an un-planted question.

Cheney, Dick /n./ The greater of two evils.

Christian /n., adj./ Fundamentalist.

class warfare /n. phr./ Any attempt by the poor, the middle class, or even the well-off to resist the depredations of the very rich. (Ex.: Progressive taxation, unionization, consumer protection, the minimum wage.)

climate change /n. phr./ Progress toward the blessed day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism /n./ Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

conspiracy theorist /n. phr./ Accurate observer or reporter of Republican activity.

creation science /n./ Belief that George W. Bush’s resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.

DeLay /n./ Past tense of De Lie.

disloyal /adj./ Unfavorable to Republicans. (See also “treason.”)

extraordinary rendition /n./ Outsourcing torture.

faith /n./ The belief that the Beatitudes include “Blessed are the rich” and “Blessed are the warmakers.”

free markets /n./ Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

girly-men /n./ Males who neglect opportunities to grope unwilling women.

God /n./ Senior presidential adviser.

growth /n./ 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when policy is made according to Definition #1.

healthy forest /idiomatic phr./ “No tree left behind.”

honesty /n./ Lies told in simple declarative sentences (e.g., “Freedom is on the march.”).

House of Representatives /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $1 million to $5 million (See: Senate).

insanity /n./ (See “staying the course.”)
in the national interest /idiomatic. phr./ 1. Conducive to the election of Republicans. 2. Beneficial to Republican contributors.

Judaeo-Christian /idiomatic phr../ “In case there are any Jews listening …” (See “Serbo-Croatian.”)

laziness /n./ When the poor are not working.

leisure time /n./ When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s) /n./ Follower(s) of the Antichrist.

Newspeak Dictionary /book title/ A good first draft.

Nineteen Eighty-Four /book title/ Official operations manual for patriots (Q.v.).

No Child Left Behind A Federal law enacting the statistical wisdom of Lake Wobegon, where all the children are above average.

nonpartisan /adj./ Favorable to Republicans. (See also “bipartisan,” “nonpartisan.”)

ownership society /n./ 1. A civilization where 1% of the population controls 90% of the wealth. 2. A political system in which all power is in the hands of the owners.

partisan /adj. / Potentially damaging to Republicans. Ant.: “bipartisan,” “nonpartisan” (q.v.)

patriot /n./ 1. A person who salutes the flag and despises the Constitution.

Patriot Act /n./ 1. Pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first. 2. The elimination of one of the reasons why they hate us.

privatization /subs./ Corruption.

pro-life /adj./ Placing an infinite value on each human life from conception all the way to birth.

policy options /n. phr./ The set of possible governmental responses to a situation: cutting taxes on the rich, subsidizing big corporations, and going to war.

real American /n. phr./ 1. White fundamentalist. 2. Inhabitant of a red state. 3. Monarchist. (See also “patriot.”)

religion /n./ Christianity. (See also “Christian,” “Judaeo-Christian.”)

religious freedom /n. phr./ Our freedom to impose our religion on heathens, idolators, infidels, and atheists.

Republican /n. or adj./ Monarchist. (Syn: “patriot.”)

Roe v. Wade Your options for escaping a flooded city if you’re poor and Heckuva Job Brownie is running FEMA.

Senate /n./ Exclusive club; entry fee: $10 million to $30 million.

simplify the tax code /idiomatic phr./ Cut the taxes of Republican donors.

sound science /n. phr./ Whatever sounds like science and is favorable to Republicans.

staying the course /gerund phr./ Continuing to perform the same actions and expecting different results (Syn: “insanity”).

stuff happens /idiomatic phr./ I don’t have to live in Baghdad.

Torture /n./ Infliction of intolerable pain on someone we don’t hate.

treason /n./ Criticism of George W. Bush.

unpatriotic /adj./ 1. Consistent with the Constitution. 2. Unfavorable to Republicans. (Ant: “patriotic.” Syn.: “partisan.”)

voter fraud /n. phr./ Significant minority turnout.

welfare /n./ Laziness-inducing and budget-busting government handouts to the non-wealthy.

woman /n./ 1. Person who can be trusted to raise a child but can’t be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have a child in the first place. 2. Person who must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn’t want to have sex in the first place.

posted by admin at 10:33 am  

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